I am a grateful believer in Jesus Christ who struggles with depression, anger, jealousy, fear, doubt, overeating

I am a believer in Christ who struggles with depression, anger, jealousy, fear, doubt, overeating.
Before coming to CR, my life felt as though it was a whirlwind, on the outside things looked ok, but on the inside, I felt like a prisoner, I felt like I was in a ceil and couldn’t get out. 

I often held my feelings in and didn’t let them out. I was very depressed because I felt like a failure, I would eat to make myself feel better, I was angry because I didn’t feel like I was good enough, I didn’t understand how anyone could love me especially  God. My father was not in the picture a lot and mom did the raising of me and my brother, my dad was an alcoholic and he was never there for me, he ran around with other women and would leave us and come back and leave again until he didn’t come back any longer, I felt like my dad didn’t love me, if he did why did he choose alcohol and women over his family. My dad would come home under the influence and fight with my mom, and he would throw things and yell, me and my mom and my brother would go to bed and lay in the bed in fear and pray that my dad wouldn’t come home drunk. We started going to church with a neighbor, I gave my heart to the Lord at a young age, and my mom started going to church and she gave her heart to the Lord as well, she kept us in church and that is really what I believe is the reason why I didn’t do certain things, I was always afraid of dying and going to hell. But as I got older, I started searching for Love and I wanted to be loved so badly. I would try and talk to my dad about how I felt but he would get angry at me and not want to listen to how I felt. I really didn’t know what a good relationship was supposed to be like because all I saw was a man that was supposed to take care of his family and love his wife and children and he did none of that, and it made me angry. 

I got married at 18 trying to run from issues, feeling unloved and just searching for something that was missing, I felt like I didn’t have control over my life so I thought leaving home would make things better, when really it only made things worse, I was 18 married and lived away and had no family where I was at, wasn’t going to church and felt very lonely…I was very insecure and jealous our relationship was physically abusive and mentally abusive, we fought all the time, didn’t know how to communicate with each other. I felt like I needed the attention of men to make me happy because I was miserable in the relationship and very insecure about myself and I felt like I was not good enough and when men gave me attention it made me feel better and it resulted in a failed marriage. I moved back home. Married my second husband at the age of 23 after our third date, again needing and wanting to be loved, and got pregnant after 3 months of being married. This marriage also abusive and even though we did go to church in my home it was a nightmare, I was married to someone that had a major drug issue and we did not trust one another we did not know how to communicate and having a child in the situation made it a bit harder, the marriage failed due to substance abuse on his part, lack of commitment on both parts, both being very jealous and angry, and me yet again not feeling complete and very empty. I was a twice divorced 26 year old with a child and feeling alone empty depressed, struggle for several years with a child feeling like a complete failure. I married again at the age of 31 and the relationship was great, going to church and living right UNTIL I let anger, jealousy, doubt, and depression get in the way. We stopped going to church.  I stopped talking to my husband because I got angry, I started doubting his love for me, I didn’t communicate with him because I had it in my head that it was over, I would listen to others tell me how things should be in their eyes, I didn’t want to go out into public; I would have panic attacks going into stores and I just didn’t want to live. I just didn’t understand. I felt like someone else was living in my body and it wasn’t me. My relationship with God had become nonexistent, I thought why pray I am not worthy of praying to God why would he listen to me, I am nothing but a loser and failure. I felt like a horrible mother and wife, I felt like I was nothing. So, I didn’t pray I completely shut myself off.

My husband and I separated and when I left I knew in my heart it was not what I should be doing but I did, within the year of our separation he and I still talked and would occasionally spend time together. I was very very sad and depressed. After awhile I wanted to be back with him and it wasn’t happening, I can remember praying I was so very hurt that I just wanted to die, I didn’t want to live any longer, feeling so useless to everyone. I thought if there was some way that I could just die, I begged God to take me out of this world and the ONLY reason that I didn’t take my own life is because I didn’t not want to end up in hell, at that very point I began to slowly start going back to church and began to work on my relationship with God. 

Almost to a year of my separation from my husband, Pastor Terry announced we would be having a Recovery Group. Mom said to me after Church you need to go to that and I said FOR WHAT, I am not alcoholic or drug addict, and she said well it isn’t just for that and I said well I will think about it. When it started I went to the first meeting thinking yea right what could this group possible do for me, I remember the sheet that was handed out the first night and it had such an impact on me because I thought the group was just for certain people and little did I know I was among those people, I realized at that point I needed this group, I started opening up about how I have been hurt and not only hurt by others but by myself, the mistakes that I have made and what had caused me to make these mistakes, I began to pray and God began to show me in my own life things that I was angry about and I have been able to work on these things, One step at a time.

Since coming to CR I live daily by this program, I have realized I am not perfect, I make mistakes; but when I fall down, I don’t have to wallow in self pity I can just get up and move on and know that I am forgiven, I know that I am nothing without Christ, I have to be a willing vessel to be used by God, I have admitted that I am powerless, but through Christ I can do all things.  I had to get control over my life before I could let God use me. I live by the Serenity Prayer, I have to take one day at a time one moment at a time, I have excepted the things I cannot change, all the mistakes and sins that I have done, yes they were wrong, yes I know that I have sinned,  no I cannot change them, but what I can do is use my wrongs to help someone else not to make the same mistakes that I have done, my whole life I have been lost yes I came to church and yes I had ask God to forgive me but what I was missing was letting go of all of my past and try to figure out why and how someone could love me especially my Savior. The bible says Romans 3:2323 for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. All I had to do was confess my sins and he forgets what I failed to realize that he forgets but I couldn’t, I have forgiven myself and know that I am a forgiven child of God. I have been in CR since the beginning it took me a while to open up and admit faults of mine because when you speak these things it becomes the truth, if you don’t talk about something it can become a lie. I had been lying to myself about things in my life, I didn’t understand why my 3rd marriage had falling apart until I came to CR and I know now that God was preparing me to be the person that I am supposed to be, I needed to forgive myself and start letting God work on me, when things started changing in my life miracles began to happen. I had people at work tell me that they could see a difference in my attitude, I started being more positive and try to look at things differently, I began to pray that if it was Gods will for my relationship to be restored it would happen. God allowed that to happen, I am no longer depressed, nor am I angry, I do not doubt that God loves me nor do I doubt that Gary loves me. I do not want my daughter to grow up feeling like she has to hide her feelings, I want to set a Godly example for her and not feel like she needs the attention of someone or something to feel loved, I want her to know that all she needs is the love of Christ and putting him first in her life she will succeed at anything she does. 2 Chronicles 7: 14 if My people, who are called by My name, shall humble themselves, pray, seek, crave, and require of necessity My face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven, forgive their sin, and heal their land. I don’t have to carry any burdens anymore, Psalms 55:22 says Cast all your cares on The Lord and he will sustain you, he will never let the righteous fall. I try not to get angry and I don’t lose my temper like the old me but the bible say in Ephesians 4:26-27 26 “Be angry, and do not sin”:  do not let the sun go down on your wrath, 27 nor give place to the devil. I don’t have to worry about things because God says in Philippians 4:6, 7 Be anxious about nothing; but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passes all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." I do not have to doubt because God says IN Proverbs 3:5-7. 5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; 6 in all your ways acknowledge Him,   And He shall direct your paths. 7 Do not be wise in your own eyes; Fear the LORD and depart from evil. 

Today I stand in front of you knowing that I have made mistakes and will continue to make mistakes, but I know without a doubt that Gods love will never leave me and no matter what I do or say I am a forgiven child of Christ and I try daily to live my life as an example, but when I fall I have to ask God to forgive and or the person that I have wronged to forgive me and continue to go on. I am so thankful that God brought this to our church without the class; I really don’t think I would have learned on my own what I have learned today. It has not been easy to realize that I was wrong in many situations and it is very difficult to start opening up and letting these things go, but when I did I realized I was on my way to recovery and the most important thing is to ADMIT. I also realize one very important thing in my life, all the emptiness and loneliness that I was feeling and was searching for in the love of a man, the one missing piece, to my peace was the Love that I was rejecting from Christ trying to search for love on my own, and I know now that I have to put the Love of Christ first because no matter how hard I tried I wasn’t going to be at peace until I accepted his love first and foremost and now the love I share with Gary and Jamee is truly an unconditional love.

 
Thank you so much for letting me share my testimony, I have said things that very few people know and would love nothing more for anyone that has been through situations in your past that you have not gotten over to come and realize there are people that have been or maybe going through the same or similar situations and God will surely lead you and guide you and start showing you if you just allow him. God Bless each and everyone.